#bipolarcraziness

I decided that in order to help create bipolar awareness, that I would spend a day updating my facebook statuses with details of what I go through as a bipolar sufferer. Here are these updates and as I share them with you, please feel free to share them with others so that everyone can begin to understand this disorder.

I am not looking for sympathy or pity but to create awareness of a serious disorder and I look forward to hearing from others affected by it.

·         Bipolar people can be compared to pitbulls. They're misunderstood. People fear, pity and misjudge them & expect them to attack and bite at any moment without warning.

·         When I wake up in the morning I seldom get up straight away. I often just lie there and stare at the wall, ceiling or out of the window. If I didn't have a morning routine I had to get through, I might just stay there all day in bed. Just lying and staring and listening to the noise in my head.

·         The noise might just be the worst part. Everybody has experienced this, when you are feeling stressed or worried about something & when you try to fall asleep at night you can't because your thoughts are racing around in your head. Except for me this 'noise' is always there, every day. From the time I wake up until when I finally manage to fall asleep. Constant busy, racing thoughts.

·         Sometimes I might have a sudden strange response to something unseen. I might swear or groan, mumble or say something strange & out of context or have a seemingly nervous tick. But not to worry, this is just me responding to something going on in my own head. You should see or hear me when nobody is around, it's bipolar induced tourette syndrome!

·         I am a 'cutter'. Meaning I cause physical harm to me, usually by cutting myself. I haven't hurt myself in about a year now, with the exception of my latest tattoo. It's not an achievement, I'm not proud of myself. Just because I'm not doing it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it.

·         I started cutting myself in my teens, sure I went through all the excuses, such as "feeling pain reminds me I'm alive" etc. The truth is that when the body feels physical pain the brain releases endorphins which helps to numb the physical pain and makes me 'feel good'. Which is better than feeling the way I do most of the time. It is addictive! A lot of bipolar sufferers have addictive personalities, whether it's pain, drugs or alcohol. It is a way of self-medicating because for a moment you feel better and that you don't have to be trapped inside yourself.

·         Every bipolar person has a 'primary' emotion, one that consumes them more than any other. Mine is ANGER. A sudden rage is an emotion I know too well. My unexpected change to this state of mind has often been the cause of things being thrown around and broken. As things break, whether it is a cellphone or coffee mug, often I feel as if I am breaking too and falling apart.

·         After the anger comes the feeling of sadness and hurt and often tears. Then comes the depression, and often paranoia as well. Suddenly feeling like the world is against you and you can't trust anyone, friends or family. It took me a while to get to the point where I could make myself realise that the paranoia was part of my emotional cycle. Before it was something that would completely consume me and I'd feel that my world had completely fallen apart and I was lost and alone.

·         Once as a young child, I went with my mom to the hospital to visit an aunt, who I was told had had a "mental breakdown". I was too young to understand and I asked my mom what it meant. My mother simply replied "it means that she can't stop crying". It was a powerful image for me at such a young age.

·         There are three main types of bipolar; Manic bp, Depressive bp and Manic Depressive bp. I am type 2, Depressive Bipolar. This means I am more often depressed than happy or "high". It is not a fun way to go through life.

·         I am able to focus on positive emotions and feel happiness, it takes a lot of work but it is possible. Sometimes though these feelings just feel so far out of reach and I wish to be manic just to feel a slight glimmer of joy. Mania can be fun, except for the inevitable emotional crash that will follow afterwards.

Here are a few updates that didn’t make it online that I would like to share with you:

• When I am manic, I am uncharacteristically joyful and hugely optimistic. Anything and everything is possible. I tend to make big plans for the future that will change my life and change my world. These are seldom based in reality and most of these ideas ever see the light of day
• When I am spiralling down from mania, I begin to feel stupid and useless and as if I will never amount to anything. I turn from joy to depression in an instant.
• Do I have darker thoughts that go beyond self harm? Can my thoughts turn suicidal? Honestly? Yes.
• Why don’t I act out my fatal fantasies? Why am I still here? No matter how dark I might feel, I still appreciate life and living more than I do death. Suicide is a purely selfish act and I cannot bring myself to hurt the people I love in this way. My cats also help. I cannot bring myself to abandon them as I know they will never forgive me.

All of this is just the tip of the iceberg and there are so many things I have not even mentioned. To be a “socially acceptable” person I have to keep this hidden and bottled up within myself. I am always waging a war against me. Sometimes though it does spill out into the world and my special brand of crazy affects those around me.

A lot of this has been hard for me to share but I have done it with the hope that I can reach out and help someone.